Adam Sandler Reflects on Aging, Gives 10 Specific Reasons Why He Is ‘F—— Old’

Adam Sandler is reflecting on what it’s like to be all grown up. 

While receiving the Career Achievement Award at the AARP Movies for Grownups Awards on Jan. 10, the 59-year-old Grown Ups actor gave 10 reasons why he knows he’s “f——- old.”

“Number one, the other day, I had to swallow a Viagra just to take a piss,” Sandler quipped onstage while accepting the award. “And of course I had to call my doctor because of piss lasting for more than four hours.” 

“When I sit down, it sounds like a semi-truck driving over a family of lobsters cracking their knuckles and eating Pop Rocks,” he continued. “Number three, my tongue only has one taste bud left. Everything I eat now tastes like oatmeal, except oatmeal which tastes like Vaseline.”

Among other relatable reasons that had the audience cackling included the Happy Gilmore star using a font so big that his texts “can be read by anyone with a window seen on a Delta flight” and often finding himself having to “use a Dude Wipes on my pee-hole.”

“Number six, when I dive to the bottom of the pool, most of my back skin stays floating on top of the water,” Sandler continued into the microphone. “Number seven, at my high school reunions, I spend most of the night saying, ‘I’m so sorry to hear that.’ ” 

Sandler also admitted that none of his toenails seem to be the same color anymore. Indeed, it tends to look like “a box of Crayola crayons” when he takes his socks off.

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“Number nine, the other day I called the Depend diaper headquarters and asked them if they ever considered getting into the sweatpants game,” Sandler joked. “And I wrote another one just in case that number nine didn’t work. Here’s another number nine … my testicles are sagging so low that I now have to walk while wearing four shoes.”

To wrap up his 10 reasons, Sander said that, upon receiving the Academy Awards screeners app, he finds himself only staying awake for a total of eight minutes — although he would press play on 44 different movies. 

“To every one of you fellow artists out there who are getting all the accolades, I must say I loved the first 30 seconds of all of your movies,” he said. 

While Sandler never fails to take a humorous approach — even when it comes to aging — he concluded his speech by promising to make many more films before his time is up. 

“I don’t know how much time I have left: 60, 70 years, 80 tops, maybe 90 if I start working out and taking creatine,” he said. “But I promise to every one of you here tonight, I will make at least 50 more movies before I am dead, and at least 25 of them will be good.”