When it came to the dessert course at our family lunch on Easter Sunday, I asked for Ticky Stoffee Pudding.
We all laughed, it was funny. But also, not completely. It wasn’t a straightforward tongue twister for me. I couldn’t get the words right, they wouldn’t come.
As well as forgetting names, this word thing is happening more recently. We tend to giggle about it but perhaps the moment affected me more because we were in the gorgeous riverside pub where we had our last meal out with Bernie before she died. That was St Patrick’s Day 2013, and she passed away less than four months later. Maybe it just resonated.
At the moment I’m more wobbly too, and the shaking in my hands is more pronounced. I got home after a brilliant day with my family and friends, and decided to lie on the sofa rather than join Denise and Maureen at bingo. I reckoned it was beyond me to hold the dibber still.
I know I worried myself sick about this kind of thing before my last lot of scans, and everything was OK. I wonder if I’m simply worn out? Since my birthday celebrations in February we’ve had a stream of knees-ups. My niece Amy’s birthday, Denise’s Tom’s, Coleen’s, St Patrick’s, now Easter. There was the opening of the Showtown museum, too.
And now I’m busy planning Maureen’s 70th in June (she looks 60, I hate her) plus a Nolan family holiday straight after. The WhatsApps are flying. Like I said to my counsellor, it’s a funny life in my head. Never mind tumours, it sometimes feels like I have worms wriggling in there. I’m constantly so keen to squeeze the most out of life; to make memories, to enjoy every second, and to ensure everyone enjoys their time with me.
This week I’m realising perhaps I’m putting too much pressure on it all. Can you have too much fun? Nah. But life doesn’t stop teaching you lessons, does it? And just when you think you have this cancer malarkey all figured out.
I’m sure I’ll be OK again in a week. If nothing else gets me going, I’ve got my Easter chocolate. No eggs for me – a giant bar of fruit and nut. (And yes, yes, I am the nut).
For more information or support about cancer, you can contact Macmillan Cancer Support or you can call 020 7940 1760 for advice.
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