Hayden Panettiere Recalls Feeling ‘Out of Control’ During ‘Heartbreaking’ Postpartum Depression Battle (Exclusive)

Hayden Panettiere is opening up about navigating postpartum depression after the arrival of her daughter more than a decade ago.

“I had it like all planned out in my head, and as the plans just collapsed, the postpartum came, and I was completely out of control, and suddenly I was this … I was nowhere near the mom that I had sworn to myself that one day I was going to be and that was devastating,” Panettiere, 36, said in the latest Us Weekly cover story, while promoting her new memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning.

She continued, “That was devastating. [It] was heartbreaking. I’m such a perfectionist in so many ways that being at least a good mother was just so, so important to me. And such a crushing blow when I was incapable of being, an even semi-decent mom, in my mind.”

Panettiere became a first-time mom in December 2014 when she and ex-fiancé Wladimir Klitschko welcomed daughter Kaya Evdokia Klitschko. The former couple later split in August 2018, and Panettiere made the tough decision to relinquish full custody of their child while struggling with severe postpartum depression as well as addiction to alcohol and opioids. As a result, Kaya relocated to Ukraine to live with Klitschko, 50.

“It was a nightmare,” Panettiere said, while recalling the day that Klitschko gave her the documents to sign over full custody of their daughter. “It was a living nightmare, and I felt so out of control. There’s nothing that I could do about it.”

Looking back, Panettiere admitted she’s unsure if she fully processed the situation.

“I feel like I would be lying if I said that I have, even to this day, been able to fully process them, those emotions in a healthy way,” she said. “I had to figure out, there was no other option to me, but to figure out how to stand back.”

Now, Panettiere shared that she has an “incredible” relationship with both Klitschko and Kaya.

“I can’t even put into words. She’s just an incredible gift,” Panettiere gushed of her daughter. “She is just such an incredible human being. She’s otherworldly and so sweet and so kind and so fierce and such a lover and surrounded by good people and good friends, and it’s incredible for me to be able to watch her thrive in areas that I struggled with growing up.”

In Panettiere’s forthcoming memoir, This Is Me: A Reckoning, the actress is pulling back the curtain on her private moments — including her breakup with Klitschko and former Heroes costar Milo Ventimiglia.

“I was terrified,” Panettiere shared of her initial reaction to being asked to write this book. “The first thought that went through my head is, ‘Am I ready to write a book about my life?’ Then I started thinking through my life and going, ‘Gosh, truth is stranger than fiction. I have so many stories already to share.’ I hope that by sharing them in this book, that it helps people to overcome the obstacles they’re going through.”

This Is Me: A Reckoning is out on May 19.

For more on Panettiere, watch the exclusive video above and pick up the latest issue of Us Weekly — on newsstands now.